On the Outside Looking In

This week is the 35th annual Emerald Cup Bodybuilding competition. I am excited to be the Social Media Director for Craig Productions and will be covering the event. It's quite the change from my days as a competitor. And I quite like being on the outside looking in, rather than being the one on stage. I've been reflecting this week on my days competing - how I got there and how I finally became competitor-turned-spectator (or social media director)

It was supposed to be a “bucket list” thing. A one-time deal. I really had no intention of falling into the world of bodybuilding and physique competition.

I stepped off stage after my first competition and, not getting first place as I had hoped (because I really had no idea what I was up against), I still received a great deal of praise, compliments and support from people who had come to cheer me on. In my world where praise and acceptance was lacking on a daily basis, this was a welcome change and it felt good. Really good.

The focus I had to give to competing was intense. It proved to be a welcome distraction from the hell I was living in. As soon as the reality of everyday non-contest-prep life set in after that first show, a dark cloud came into my world. Fortunately, there was another show 2 weeks later - I would do that! That would be the cure for my blues! And it was…at least for 2 weeks.

And then it was the “off season”. No shows. No distractions. Depression set in and my unhappy reality became unbearable. And thus began my cycle of competing as a means to distract myself from things in my life that were out of my control, things that made me sad, things that made me feel small and insignificant.

It was 6 years and 20 competitions before I realized that this wasn’t the “answer” for me. These competitions weren’t making me feel better, they weren’t helping me accept my body (my body that birthed 4 full term human beings…and a bunch of other cool stuff), they weren’t “fixing” anything. In fact, they were keeping me from doing the healing work in myself that would ultimately allow me to move forward.

We all have our “vices”. Competing was mine. It was, for me, like alcohol is to an alcoholic. I was addicted to the feeling of control it gave me when pretty much everything in my life felt out of control. It was where i felt most competent and capable…and that felt really good. And of course, winning…that always gave me a huge “high” and made me hungry for more - more training, more competing. More more more!

It’s been 2 1/2 years since I’ve been on stage. And in the last 2 1/2 years I’ve not once had any kind of desire to get back on stage again. There is nothing in me that wants to do it again. I enjoy watching it, seeing other people do it, being around it - but I don’t want it for me anymore.

At 42 years old, I finally feel free from the obsession with food (needing to weigh, measure and log everything that goes in my mouth) and training. I workout for the health benefits - no really, the HEALTH benefits. Sure, I want to look good but that’s just for me now. I could care less what other people think of my physique. I don’t need the compliments. I don’t need to out-lift every other female in the gym. I don’t need to spend the most time on the stepmill. It’s a good feeling.

Anything that brings us to extremes in life is NOT healthy for us. We must constantly strive to keep our lives - physically, spiritually and mentally - in balance. When one area is out of balance we need to step back and assess the situation. If it consumes you - time, thoughts, etc - it’s extreme and it’s not healthy. We don’t always see it quickly (hey, it took me 6 years) but when we see it, we need to be strong enough to change it.